Editor’s note: Kels was unavailable to put together the rankings this week (he was last seen building an Igloo somewhere in the woods in northwestern Connecticut). So in his place are Marv Albert, Bill Walton and Clyde Frazier. They were all invited to Kels’ igloo over the weekend to tape the following segment. Below is a transcript.
MARV: WEL-come to the MOST IMPROVED Player Rankings, I’m Mahv Albut alongside Walt “Clyde” Frazier and Bill Walton. And Bill, we’ve seen A LOT of entertaining writing in this column, but what IS your opinion on the way Kels has put together these rankings?
WALTON: Where are the cameras?
MARV: Don’t WORRY about that, Bill. I’m sure they’re HERE somewhere. So, what would you change if you were doing these rankings?
WALTON: Well Marv, it goes without saying that Kels Dayton is one of the greatest writers in the history of Western civilization, but these rankings are abominable. How is it possible that Nikola Vucevic is in anything other than first place? Vucevic is putting together Wilt Chamberlain-like numbers for the Magic this season. He’s making Orlando fans forget that Dwight Howard ever even came to into existence on Planet Earth. He’s made Shaquille O’Neal seem like a midget. Jacque Vaughn has got to be pulling his hair out that Vucevic is not ranked No. 1.
MARV: I don’t believe Jacque has hair, Bill. But your point is well-taken. Clyde, what would you change about the rankings?
CLYDE: Well Marv, Kels is ranking and shanking. He’s biting at writing. The Kneecks are nowhere to be found on this list, despite their proficiency and prosperity this season. J.R. Smith has been infallible, Carmelo Anthony has been omnipotent, and Chris Copeland has been peerless, immaculate and sublime. I am bounded and astounded that Kels hasn’t recognized the vivacity of the Kneecks.
MARV: Well Clyde, I’m not sure that any of the Knicks deser–
WALTON: And another thing, Marv. Greivis Vasquez is having one of the greatest statistical seasons in the history of multiple-celled organisms. He is making Pelicans fans forget about the fact that their team is going to be called the Pelicans next season. And he’s relegated to fifth on the list. Monty Williams has got to be pulling his thick, lustrous, flowing hair out of his scalp right now.
MARV: Again, Bill, Monty Williams is bald. I’m not sure that you understand the meaning of that sayi–
BARKLEY: Kels Dayton is an idiot, y’all.
MARV: Charles, where did you come fro–
BARKLEY: First of all Marv, Ernie Johnson would be rolling over in his grave right now if he knew that you were hosting this show and not him. This is just turrible, y’all.
CLYDE: I concur with Charles. EJ would be lugubrious and melancholy!
BARKLEY: He ain’t speakin’ English, y’all. But like I said, this is not an it or urr situation. You know, Kenny, the thing about these rankings is–
MARV: Kenny ISN’T here, Charles.
MARV: OK, we’re just about out of time. I’m late for my FACIAL! I made an appointment at the igloo on that snow bank about 15 miles back.
CHARLES: Kenny!! KENNY!!!!!!
MARV: That’s all for this week’s intro. Tune in next week, when Kels RETURNS. For now…
CLYDE: Proceed to the listings!
MARV: Something like that.