It’s time for Week 3 of the Greatest Fake Tournament in the history of sports columns. Let’s get right to the games, with Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery on the call.
GUS JOHNSON: Welcome back to Most Improved Player Madness. I’m Gus Johnson alongside Bill Raftery, and Bill, It’s been a thrilling tournament so far, and it has left our readers completely speechless. They can’t even click on the link because of all of the spontaneous excitement. I’m so happy I gave up announcing the NCAA Tournament for this.
BILL RAFTERY: Gus Johnson, this tournament matches up the most improved players in the NBA MANDAMAN!!!
GUS: Let’s get right to the bracket as we’re down to the Elite Eight. First, the Kevin Duckworth Region where top-seeded Paul George is taking on Larry Sanders in the most anticipated game I’ve called since Purdue-Iowa on the Big Ten Network!!!
1. Paul George vs.
2. Larry Sanders
GUS: This one went down to the wire, as these two powerhouses of personal improvement went at it.
RAFTERY: They’re beasts of betterment!! Experts in enhancement!!
GUS: But Sanders is from VCU, and the fighting Rams always come to play in the tournament. This one goes down to the wire and OHHH!!!!!!! IT’S SANDERS WITH THE UPSET!!!!!! BIG FELLA!!! HAHAHA!!!!!
RAFTERY: Pace yourself, Gus.
1. Jrue Holiday vs.
2. Chandler Parsons
GUS: Parsons has been impressive in this tournament so far, but Holiday shakes and bakes his way into the Final Four!!!
RAFTERY: The BLOWBY!! Leave a little lingerie on the deck, Gus! OOH!!
5. LeBron James vs.
2. Greivis Vasquez
GUS: LeBron has made a once-in-a-lifetime run in this bracket. It almost reminds me of when Michael Jordan made the run in the 1991 Most Improved Player Tournament despite being the greatest player in the world. But Greivis is so improved, he makes All-Natural 7-Up look like regular 7-Up. This one is a tight battle all the way to the finish. How can anyone’s attention possibly be diverted right now?
CHARLES BARKLEY: Hey hot dog guy!
GUS: Charles, where did you come from? Anyway, here’s Greivis, he rises and fires for the win!!!!!! OHHHHH!!!
BARKLEY: ONIONS!!!! Can I get some onions on that? And some cheese…
1. Nikola Vucevic vs.
2. Kemba Walker
GUS: Down to the wire again here. Walker down one with a second to go. He goes to his patented step baaaaaack…VUCEVIC BLOCKS IT!!!! OHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (inaudible) YOUNG FELLA!!!!!!!! HAHAHAA!!! FINAL FOUR (Explosion)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Final Four is set, and Gus, Bill and Charles will be back with more madness next week (if we can find Gus in the wake of the explosion).
For now, it’s on to the rankings.