The New Year begins with word that Cleanthony Early, Travis Wear and Quincy Acy have decided to give up pork as their New Year’s resolutions. A better idea might have been to play well enough to earn spots on next year’s Knicks team, which is the only thing New Yorkers want to talk about. Yep, just 10 short months until Opening Night, ’15-16.
Around here, the idea of giving up bacon, one of the four major food groups, is almost as incomprehensible as vowing to attend more Knicks games. But we are certainly in the minority on that one, as tourists and New Yorkers alike continue to flock to the remade Garden, where the security guards are more and more resembling the Gestapo.
New Year’s resolutions can be great if you stick with them, or they can be forgettable and unreasonable if they are concocted in the haze of a New Year’s eve cocktail party when just about anything can seem achievable.
OK, anything except the Knicks becoming a playoff team.
But since resolutions are made all across the NBA, it’s a good day to make up a few of our own for each of the 30 NBA teams. Enjoy.
ATLANTA HAWKS — Spread the nickname: “The Spurs of the East.” That is what the Cavs and others are already calling them.
BOSTON CELTICS — Retire another jersey in honor of Billy King, who surrendered three first-round picks and the right to swap a fourth in the Garnett-Pierce deal.
BROOKLYN NETS — Continue to try to reassure people that it is no big deal having Deron Williams come off the bench behind Jarrett Jack. More on that here.
CHARLOTTE HORNETS — Stay within striking distance of the No. 8 spot while Al Jefferson takes four weeks or more to recover from his strained groin. In the meantime, run some plays for Lance Stephenson to up his trade value.
CHICAGO BULLS — Endeavor to have one warm and fuzzy conversation between the coaching staff and the front office. Just one.
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS — Admit that the David Blatt hiring was a mistake. His methods resonate with European players; they backfire with American players.
DALLAS MAVERICKS — Teach Rajon Rondo how to shoot a free throw — not that he will listen.
DENVER NUGGETS — Try to turn over more pieces of the roster, rather than burning through decent coaching and front office personnel. The league is littered with ex-Nugget decision makers who are thriving.
DETROIT PISTONS — Rewrite the history books to exclude the drafting of Darko Milicic, the Chauncey Billups-Allen Iverson trade, and the Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva signings.
GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS — Find someone, anyone, to take defensive liability and momentum killer David Lee off their hands
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HOUSTON ROCKETS — Stop treating James Harden and Dwight Howard as superstar equals. One is; one was.
INDIANA PACERS — Turn Roy Hibbert into something special via a trade. At no time has the need for big men among quality teams been more acute.
LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS — Start liking each other, sort of like what happened when the team galvanized under Chris Paul’s leadership in the playoffs during the Donald Sterling scandal.
LOS ANGELES LAKERS — Get Kobe Bryant the scoring title. Let’s face it … it’s the only title he’ll ever win again unless he accepts a trade.
MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES — Get Marc Gasol to say publicly: “If we win a championship, I am definitely returning.”
MIAMI HEAT — Beat the Cavs three more times, and do whatever it takes to position selves for a first-round matchup with Cleveland, too.
MILWAUKEE BUCKS — Pray to God that this dream season can last through the winter — which in Milwaukee ends in late May.
MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES — Turn Anthony Bennett into a basketball player. No fun having him be Bargnani 2.0.
NEW ORLEANS PELICANS — Swap Eric Gordon for someone who actually can play in a game and make an outside shot. Make the playoffs.
NEW YORK KNICKS — Televise Duke games on the MSG Network, Make sure the fan base knows how to pronounce the name “Jahlil,” then have the lottery fixed again like it was in 1985.
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER — Make Jay-Z or someone from Roc Nation who needs to sell some albums the official “team ambassador”: a la Drake in Toronto. Hey, anything that might help convince KD to stay in summer of 2016.
ORLANDO MAGIC — Find every opportunity to remind anyone and everyone that they turned Dwight Howard into Nikola Vucevic — and that Vucevic is a better player. Teach Elfrid Payton how to shoot a free throw.
PHILADELPHIA 76ERS: Trade Jason Richardson for a second-round pick. Trade Luc Richard Mbah a Moute for a second-round pick.
PHOENIX SUNS: Pass the Spurs in the standings, and then let them and the Thunder take a turn fighting for their playoff lives in late March and early April. That was too much last season.
PORTLAND TRAIL BLAZERS — Get Paul Allen to promise a worldwide summer cruise on his fleet of yachts if they win a championship.
SACRAMENTO KINGS — Get Tyrone Corbin some help on the bench. Nothing against Corliss Williamson, but isn’t there some room for an Xs and Os guy?
SAN ANTONIO SPURS — Just for kicks, have Pop give a run-on answer that resembles a filibuster speech the next time he is interviewed by a sideline reporter.
TORONTO RAPTORS — Drop “We The North” and go back to “F*ck Brooklyn” as the team slogan.
UTAH JAZZ — Play home games on Sundays. Promote it as family day : 2 adults and 8 children get in for $99. Set up a special parking lot for baby strollers.
WASHINGTON WIZARDS — Get President Obama on the bandwagon — except, of course, when his beloved Bulls come to town.
Chris Sheridan is publisher and editor in chief of SheridanHoops.com. Follow him on Twitter.