The Oscars are over, and since I didn’t watch them or see any of the nominated movies, let’s get this Oscar-themed edition of the Most Improved Player Rankings under way!
Because nothing says “balanced sportswriter” like a column full of misinformed pop culture references!
The envelopes, please …
Best Actor: Anthony Davis. This award goes to the best player in our group, and Davis is the clear choice there. He’s already one of the league’s best big men, and Pelicans fans have already started counting down the days until he ditches them for a bigger market, so they can spend the following season winning 15 games and praying for a franchise-saving draft pick! Laissez-les bons temps rouller!
Best Picture: This award goes to the guy on the best team, and that would be Lance Stephenson of Indiana. Like 12 Years A Slave, the Pacers haven’t been easy to watch. But they just may end up being the most important basketball team of the season – if they win the NBA championship. Imagine the social impact that a small-market team that plays defense and didn’t import all of its stars like Ocean’s Eleven would have if it actually won the title. Now that’s a dream worth dreamin’.
Also, Isaiah Thomas. That’s a nice picture there. His grandma has it hanging on her fridge, I’m sure.
Best Supporting Actor: Lance Stephenson. He’s playing Beta Dog to Paul George’s Alpha Dog, and he’s played it as well as that Somalian guy alongside Tom Hanks in Captain Phillips. At least, what I’ve seen from the trailer. That was a powerful 30 seconds.
Best Foreign Language Film: Goran Dragic. He was the only nominee. He wins because his name sounds like a Game of Thrones character.
Best Breakthrough Performance: Goran Dragic. Does anyone realize he put up 40 on the Pelicans on Friday night? Forty! This is Goran Dragic we’re talking about, people! My lord!
Best Visual Effects: DeAndre Jordan. For making this look real.
Best Hair and Makeup: Anthony Davis’ barber. Imagine the incredible will power that this man has not to take a Norelco to Davis’ temple and rid the world of that jointed caterpillar he calls his eyebrow. What an inspired performance.
Standout Performance in a Crappy Movie: Andre Drummond. The 2013-14 Pistons are as bad as Transformers would have been without Shia LaBeouf. Unfortunately, in the Pistons’ season, no one ever blows up.
Best Column Written at 3 a.m.: Oh, come on, guys. You didn’t have to do that. I’m not a hero. I mean, I am my own hero - 10 years from now. 37-year old Kels is going to be one hell of a person. I can’t wait to see what I have in store for myself. Will I be an astronaut? An award-winning physicist? A Wal-Mart greeter? I guess I just have to keep living and we’ll find out.
Best Line of this Introduction: On to the rankings.