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They say all good things must come to an end.
This is the final edition of the Most Improved Player Rankings and I—
I’m sorry … I … told myself I wasn’t going to cry. (sniffle)
It’s been an amazing run here at the Most Improved Player Rankings. We’ve talked about donut races, wildebeests, and Andy Enfield’s wife. We’ve made fun of just about every basketball announcer out there and also Jim Nantz.
But now it’s finally time to get down to the business of naming the NBA’s Most Improved Player.
It’s time for Week 3 of the Greatest Fake Tournament in the history of sports columns. Let’s get right to the games, with Gus Johnson and Bill Raftery on the call.
GUS JOHNSON: Welcome back to Most Improved Player Madness. I’m Gus Johnson alongside Bill Raftery, and Bill, It’s been a thrilling tournament so far, and it has left our readers completely speechless. They can’t even click on the link because of all of the spontaneous excitement. I’m so happy I gave up announcing the NCAA Tournament for this.
BILL RAFTERY: Gus Johnson, this tournament matches up the most improved players in the NBA MANDAMAN!!!
GUS: Let’s get right to the bracket as we’re down to the Elite Eight. First, the Kevin Duckworth Region where top-seeded Paul George is taking on Larry Sanders in the most anticipated game I’ve called since Purdue-Iowa on the Big Ten Network!!!
1. Paul George vs.
2. Larry Sanders
GUS: This one went down to the wire, as these two powerhouses of personal improvement went at it.
RAFTERY: They’re beasts of betterment!! Experts in enhancement!!
GUS: But Sanders is from VCU, and the fighting Rams always come to play in the tournament. This one goes down to the wire and OHHH!!!!!!! IT’S SANDERS WITH THE UPSET!!!!!! BIG FELLA!!! HAHAHA!!!!!
RAFTERY: Pace yourself, Gus.
BARROS REGION
1. Jrue Holiday vs.
2. Chandler Parsons
GUS: Parsons has been impressive in this tournament so far, but Holiday shakes and bakes his way into the Final Four!!!
RAFTERY: The BLOWBY!! Leave a little lingerie on the deck, Gus! OOH!!
GUS: What?
MURESAN REGION
5. LeBron James vs.
2. Greivis Vasquez
GUS: LeBron has made a once-in-a-lifetime run in this bracket. It almost reminds me of when Michael Jordan made the run in the 1991 Most Improved Player Tournament despite being the greatest player in the world. But Greivis is so improved, he makes All-Natural 7-Up look like regular 7-Up. This one is a tight battle all the way to the finish. How can anyone’s attention possibly be diverted right now?
CHARLES BARKLEY: Hey hot dog guy!
GUS: Charles, where did you come from? Anyway, here’s Greivis, he rises and fires for the win!!!!!! OHHHHH!!!
RAFTERY: ONIONS!!!!!!!!
BARKLEY: ONIONS!!!! Can I get some onions on that? And some cheese…
SEIKALY REGION
1. Nikola Vucevic vs.
2. Kemba Walker
GUS: Down to the wire again here. Walker down one with a second to go. He goes to his patented step baaaaaack…VUCEVIC BLOCKS IT!!!! OHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (inaudible) YOUNG FELLA!!!!!!!! HAHAHAA!!! FINAL FOUR (Explosion)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Final Four is set, and Gus, Bill and Charles will be back with more madness next week (if we can find Gus in the wake of the explosion).
For now, it’s on to the rankings.
Here at the Most Improved Player Rankings, we’re known for our hard-hitting journalism. We’ve been told that we make Anderson Cooper look like Ahmad Rashad. Woodward and Bernstein still wonder how we found out about Greivis Vasquez.
So in that tradition, I decided to go ahead and interview our top candidate for the Most Improved Player award, Magic big man Nikola Vucevic.
It hardly matters that Vucevic told me that he’s never heard of me or the column, or that he responded with dead silence when I tried to explain it to him. What matters is, he agreed to do the interview below.
Read it, or risk being uninformed.
Editor’s note: Kels was unavailable to put together the rankings this week (he was last seen building an Igloo somewhere in the woods in northwestern Connecticut). So in his place are Marv Albert, Bill Walton and Clyde Frazier. They were all invited to Kels’ igloo over the weekend to tape the following segment. Below is a transcript.
MARV: WEL-come to the MOST IMPROVED Player Rankings, I’m Mahv Albut alongside Walt “Clyde” Frazier and Bill Walton. And Bill, we’ve seen A LOT of entertaining writing in this column, but what IS your opinion on the way Kels has put together these rankings?
WALTON: Where are the cameras?
MARV: Don’t WORRY about that, Bill. I’m sure they’re HERE somewhere. So, what would you change if you were doing these rankings?
The race for Most Improved Player just got real.
Like “Boyz n the Hood” real. “Shawshank Redemption” real. “Snooki and J-Woww” real.
Guys are getting serious about winning this award, so the competition has gotten tougher than wildebeest mating season.
Kemba Walker, Omer Asik, Serge Ibaka, Larry Sanders and George Hill all have had breakout seasons, yet none of them were able to crack the top five in this week’s rankings.
